This year I am trying to get pumped up for the big football game. I guess the Steelers and the Packers are involved.
You see, I hate football and I just can’t watch it on tv. I tried to watch a couple of Super Bowl games over the years, but I never seem to make it past the first quarter. I think I have watched maybe two football games in their entirety in the past 40 years.
I know there must be something wrong with me, and I am seeing a specialist about this. But she just doesn’t know what to prescribe as an antidote. So I have taken treatment into my own hands, before I go so far as to check myself into the Mayo Clinic to find out what is wrong with me.
My wife and I are ready. I cleaned the tv screen with Windex to make the image as inviting as possible. I vacuumed the carpet in the living room so I am not distracted by lint on the floor as I sit there during kickoff. And I went to the grocery store yesterday and bought some great snacks. We are going to have shrimp cocktail, one of my favorites. I wonder if this is how most people make it through a game---they just buy lots of comfort foods and gorge themselves for three hours until the final gun.
But I am simply tired of being left out of conversations in public places. This next week, everyone will be talking about the fumbles, the TDs (I just googled TD and found out that this is short for “touchdown”), the interceptions, and the half-time show.
And anyone who did not see all those highly-touted commercials that cost $3,000,000 is considered un-American. During WWII the Allies would ask an intruder who won the World Series. If they didn’t know, then they were assumed to be a German soldier. I have always worried that I might be stopped by some authority who would ask me to describe the Bud Light commercial on last year’s Super Bowl. But because I would not know, I would be arrested as a subversive terrorist from Yemen.
So I have my snacks and my cleaning supplies at the ready. I also have a little cheat-sheet with the names of the two teams and their colors written down to avoid confusion when the two lines of players run together and get all mixed up. But as a backup plan in case I run out of snacks, I am checking HBO to see what movies might be showing Sunday evening.